Sneezing Hazards

Here are some issues I’m having with sneezing:

1.       I just realized that almost every time I type sneezing, I spell it sneexing and then have to go back and fix it. Also, sneexing sounds like it could be like sexting but maybe sneezing sexily which we all know just isn’t ever gonna happen or maybe sneezing as a result of being allergic to sex which would be super unfortunate.

2.       The sneeze face. Really enough said there. It’s just awful and when you’re trying to be cute or flirty it’s like that and a yawn are the worst thing that could happen ‘cause you WILL look like an idiot.

3.       The people who hold their sneezes in. Or they hold their nose. I hateeee that. My best friend (HP. Those are her initials. And yes she is Harry Potter) holds her nose when she sneezes. It looks totally painful and probably fucks up your sinuses. That’s complete speculation but it seems legit. Inner elbows people. Let the sneeze out but do it into your inner elbow. They teach you that shit in like second grade. Plus the seizure part of the sneeze becomes exponentially aggressive if you hold it in.

4.       People getting mad when you sneeze too many times. Yes, you got me, I’m having a sneezing fit just to bother you. Sorry my autonomic bodily functions are ruining your day. (I was a bio major freshman year- the functions you do AUTOmatically).  Next time I’ll sprint out of the room so you won’t have to be burdened with my sneezes. Just say bless you or shut up.

5.       Sneezing while driving. How scary is that shit?! I mean really though. It’s one thing if you’re at a stop light but if you’re in traffic, it’s like gahhhh don’t do itttttt!! then you sneeze and if you’re like me your eyes close and you seizure a bit and then you thank Christ you didn’t get into an accident and then you sneeze 4 more times. That’s definitely how I’m gonna die. “Girl Pronounced DOA- Sneezing To Blame”

6.       Having people start telling you that you’re sick or what you’re allergic to. I’m not sick. Sometimes people just sneeze, you know? Maybe I gotta blow my nose but I’m not god damn terminal. And you can’t just make up shit I’m allergic to. Dust, pollen, cats, work, being awake. It’s like honestly? Next time you cough I’m gonna ask if you have the black lung.

Sneezing Story:

(I’m using the name Skippy because I’m not trying to be an ass and totally blow up the person’s spot and also Tom uses “Skippy” whenever he can’t think of a name and I think it’s obnoxious and annoying but now I can’t think of a name so whatever, Skippy it is.)

I sneeze and Skippy, being the nice person she is says “bless you.” Then I sneeze again. She says, “I wonder if you’re allergic to something?” (She asks me this every time I sneeze more than once, which I always do) I say, “No, I think I just had a tickle.” Seemingly unrelated, we had a blizzard a couple of weeks ago. I say seemingly because I didn’t realize it would factor into this conversation until Skippy suggests in a incredibly thoughtful tone, “Hmm maybe you’re allergic to the snow.” I’m thinking ummmm I’m sorry? So I say, “Skippy, it’s just water.. so no, I’m not allergic to water.. or snow.” So she laughs a little and says “Haha yeaaa, my friend told me when it snows a lot she sneezes because she’s allergic. I had never met anyone allergic to snow before.” I’m thinking, for fuck sake, this isn’t even real. Snow allergies? Who would believe that? And really, who would say that? Because it sounds like they were being pretty serious about the whole thing. My tolerance for this stuff is minimal and I couldn’t handle anymore of the conversation so I just ignored the rest- except for the part when Skippy mentioned, half to herself, half to me, that this “friend” of hers is a 7 year old girl who lives in her apartment complex. So, that explains it. Mostly.

I’m telling you- my life is ridiculous.

-A

p.s. this is a picture of a kitten dressed as a lobster. Unrelated to everything but, in my opinion, still necessary.

Embarassing Story #1

I figure my first non-introductory post should be about why it took me so long to get this blog started. Because you clearly care (whether you do or not- you've already committed to this story), and because it’s embarrassing and therefore funny for everyone but the people involved aka me. I knew the direction I wanted the blog to go in and I actually wrote the bios and the first post and started a couple other posts before I finally was like ok I’m REALLY gonna do this. Then disaster happened. And by disaster I mean my clumsy, completely uncoordinated self happened.

Here’s the story--

Tiny bit o’ background: Sunday nights Tom and I go to his parents for din. I thoroughly enjoy this for about a billion reasons (not limited to: super delish food, cable, catching up on Tom’s sister (aka L)’s wedding tings, and girl talk with Tom’s mom).

SOO, it’s Sunday and we go over and because L and her fiancé (J) are incredibly awesome they randomly bought us a SWEET set of rocks glasses and a gorg dark purple wine glass that’s about a foot tall which I was instantly obsessed with.

The next night (to be read dramatically) Tom and I get home from work, take out Lil, and start din. Clearly before dinner prep starts I pour myself a glass of wine in my new classy glassy! (I may have named it that) So we’re cooking (really Tom’s cooking and I’m walking around the kitchen drinking and trying to teach Lil tricks) and I remember I haven’t hugged or kissed Tom since we got home and I NEED to remedy that immediately so I make him stop tending the sautéing mushrooms or whatever, and give him a kiss (awwwww) then give him a hug and kind of lean on him (awwww) then I push him into my recently refilled wine glass and it tips over, falls off the counter, SHATTERS with a horrible popping noise and red wine and shards of glass go EVERYWHERE. I’m talking walls, floor, cabinets, counter, kitchen table, chairs. It’s like a god damn winepocalyse. Just perf. Also it scared the absolute.. SOMETHING out of Lil and she wouldn’t move and Tom had to lift her up and put her in her crate. Great work being so calm in the face of potential danger.

We have recovered from the “hugging incident” by Tuesday night. PLUS I’ve perfected my first blog post, and the bios and when we get home from work, Tom starts din and I start blogging. We have din (aka chicken patties and tots but that’s not important, it’s just yummy) and I’m working on things and obv having more wine. Tom and Lil are playing fetch (yea in the apartment, it’s fine.) and on one trip to get the ball she gets distracted by leftovers on the counter. Being the good dog mom I am, I automatically jump up and go to make sure the food is safe and that she gets off the counter. WORST IDEA EVER. I didn’t put my glass down completely, so when I let go the (again full) glass of wine tipped over and spilled right onto Tom’s open laptop. Yes. This is real life. Obviously I suck a bunch.  I grabbed the laptop and tried to shake the wine off of it –onto the beige carpet. Awesome. The laptop was totaled. When the Apple genius guy took the bottom off, wine literally poured out –typically  not a good sign. We’re still recovering from it all. On the plus side, the wine glass didn’t break. Ugh.

This happened about a month ago.  I haven’t had a drink at home in a glass with a stem since.

The Aftermath aka crime scene aka I hate my life:

-A

p.s. I REALLY wish I could say I was drunk when any of these things happened and blame it all on an inebriated state but I was sober. So really I’m just an idiotic mess.

Doing Things My Way

Ok guys, I’m blogging again. I started blogging a while back and had big plans which didn’t quite pan out. Mostly because I didn’t find the time to do the stuff I wanted. Also because I wanted to do sort of a “fashion blog” which was a terrible idea because 1) There are about a billion people more fashionable than me with nicer cameras and more voluminous hair and 2) I totally don’t have the budget to have a super high class wardrobe which got a little depressing so I kinda let it go.

This blog is going to be a different deal though. I am pretty sure I’m going through a quarter life crisis and I’m gonna make this blog a virtual diary/ vent machine/a way to talk about things I’m super excited about. Topics are not limited to but will often include: kittens, super hero movies, food, love, shoes, my dog doing cute stuff, my friends being embarrassing. I’ve never been a serious writer but I like sharing and telling stories. Plus I’m really hoping this will be a partial motivator to do more of the things I’ve been wanting to do, like get my apartment into Good Housekeeping order, continuing my education in my field of study (Industrial Organizational Psych which I'll get into later) and finding hair styles I can do in less in 3 minutes.

I love being crafty and I’m moderately good at that. I also love shopping and drinking wine and I’m awesome at those things. My friends are amazing and outrageous, my family is completely nuts, my boyfriend is hilarious and awkward and his family is super fun and full of incredible people. Between that and my overly enthusiastic and anxious dog, I feel like I have some pretty funny shit to talk about. Also, I can’t decide if I should swear in my blog. How do you feel about it? I feel I probably will because I use inappropriate language a LOT when it’s completely unnecessary to do so. Case in point: when normal people say “oh crap” if they drop something I typically say “ugh, dicks!” Yea I know. Super weird. (Also I was gonna “bleep” a part of that out but then it would be d*cks! And I didn’t want you thinking I shouted “ducks!” when I drop things.) On the other hand, I also don’t want to be overly offensive. We’ll see how that works out.

SO my big plan for this tiny blog of mine is to share my life with you. Either you’ll be laughing with me, at me or just think I’m a huge idiot but it is my life and honestly, all those reactions are fair. I mentioned crafting which typically means decorating alcohol related things, DIYs and making things glittery. Even if my craft ends up totally sucking I’ll share the process and final product with you. Shopping is a fav past time, so my new items will inevitably be talked about and reviewed. There will be stories about things that happened and things I wish would happen. Many of them will be hilariously embarrassing.

Basically I’ve decided I’m going to take steps to make myself a happier and better person and this was something I’ve wanted to try/enjoy doing so here it is! Plus it’s a lot easier than committing to run marathons or eat exclusively organic.

-A

p.s. totally don’t expect me to be one of those, “I write every day, no exceptions” bloggers because ain't nobody got time for that. I mean I’ll totally try, and maybe eventually I’ll get there but I have other shit that takes precedent sometimes. Like shoe shopping or keeping my dog out of my closet or sleeping.