Sneezing Hazards

Here are some issues I’m having with sneezing:

1.       I just realized that almost every time I type sneezing, I spell it sneexing and then have to go back and fix it. Also, sneexing sounds like it could be like sexting but maybe sneezing sexily which we all know just isn’t ever gonna happen or maybe sneezing as a result of being allergic to sex which would be super unfortunate.

2.       The sneeze face. Really enough said there. It’s just awful and when you’re trying to be cute or flirty it’s like that and a yawn are the worst thing that could happen ‘cause you WILL look like an idiot.

3.       The people who hold their sneezes in. Or they hold their nose. I hateeee that. My best friend (HP. Those are her initials. And yes she is Harry Potter) holds her nose when she sneezes. It looks totally painful and probably fucks up your sinuses. That’s complete speculation but it seems legit. Inner elbows people. Let the sneeze out but do it into your inner elbow. They teach you that shit in like second grade. Plus the seizure part of the sneeze becomes exponentially aggressive if you hold it in.

4.       People getting mad when you sneeze too many times. Yes, you got me, I’m having a sneezing fit just to bother you. Sorry my autonomic bodily functions are ruining your day. (I was a bio major freshman year- the functions you do AUTOmatically).  Next time I’ll sprint out of the room so you won’t have to be burdened with my sneezes. Just say bless you or shut up.

5.       Sneezing while driving. How scary is that shit?! I mean really though. It’s one thing if you’re at a stop light but if you’re in traffic, it’s like gahhhh don’t do itttttt!! then you sneeze and if you’re like me your eyes close and you seizure a bit and then you thank Christ you didn’t get into an accident and then you sneeze 4 more times. That’s definitely how I’m gonna die. “Girl Pronounced DOA- Sneezing To Blame”

6.       Having people start telling you that you’re sick or what you’re allergic to. I’m not sick. Sometimes people just sneeze, you know? Maybe I gotta blow my nose but I’m not god damn terminal. And you can’t just make up shit I’m allergic to. Dust, pollen, cats, work, being awake. It’s like honestly? Next time you cough I’m gonna ask if you have the black lung.

Sneezing Story:

(I’m using the name Skippy because I’m not trying to be an ass and totally blow up the person’s spot and also Tom uses “Skippy” whenever he can’t think of a name and I think it’s obnoxious and annoying but now I can’t think of a name so whatever, Skippy it is.)

I sneeze and Skippy, being the nice person she is says “bless you.” Then I sneeze again. She says, “I wonder if you’re allergic to something?” (She asks me this every time I sneeze more than once, which I always do) I say, “No, I think I just had a tickle.” Seemingly unrelated, we had a blizzard a couple of weeks ago. I say seemingly because I didn’t realize it would factor into this conversation until Skippy suggests in a incredibly thoughtful tone, “Hmm maybe you’re allergic to the snow.” I’m thinking ummmm I’m sorry? So I say, “Skippy, it’s just water.. so no, I’m not allergic to water.. or snow.” So she laughs a little and says “Haha yeaaa, my friend told me when it snows a lot she sneezes because she’s allergic. I had never met anyone allergic to snow before.” I’m thinking, for fuck sake, this isn’t even real. Snow allergies? Who would believe that? And really, who would say that? Because it sounds like they were being pretty serious about the whole thing. My tolerance for this stuff is minimal and I couldn’t handle anymore of the conversation so I just ignored the rest- except for the part when Skippy mentioned, half to herself, half to me, that this “friend” of hers is a 7 year old girl who lives in her apartment complex. So, that explains it. Mostly.

I’m telling you- my life is ridiculous.

-A

p.s. this is a picture of a kitten dressed as a lobster. Unrelated to everything but, in my opinion, still necessary.