Pretentious Biotch In 5 Simple Steps

You know when you go to a dive bar and you're wearing jorts and TOMS and a Springsteen cut off tee and that girl wearing pumps, a dress and a clutch walks into the bar? WELP I'm that girl.
(I'm also the girl wearing the jorts and cut off depending on the night.)

So if you want to be the girl everyone looks at because you're over dressed, applying fresh lipgloss and quafing your hair, here is what you have to do:

1. While getting ready, choose your outfit wisely. Name dropping is key. Your purse and shoes will have to match with the Kate Spade tights you just got and make sure you can show off your Marc Jacobs bangles while still coordinating them with your Tory Burch cell phone case.

2. When you've arrived and are being carded, take your ID from your Coach ID holder out from your Coach wallet from your Kate Spade clutch. But don't put anything down on the bar. Ick.

3. When the bartender asks what you'd like to drink, look over the wine list, sigh, then look at what's on tap, cringe, then search the liqour bottles until you find St. Germain. Then order a St. Germain and prosecco. You will get that in a champagne flute and will probably get the personal sized tiny bottle with the remainder of the prosecco to refill when running low. Sip at your leisure. Manicure preferred.

4. If someone suggests getting food/apps, when the bartender comes over, disregard the menu and ask if they serve truffle fries. If they say they do, ask for an order with parmesean and a pinch of parsley. Extra truffle oil.

5. Once the night gets going people will be drunk and creepy and may end up spilling some of their drink on you. This is unacceptable. Let them know that your dress is brand new, and you haven't worn it before tonight. Now you will have to get it dry cleaned and while you're out you will have to find someone to fix your suede pumps because the sugar in their drink has probably ruined them.
And there you have it! Easy enough right? I really do reccomend the St. Germain and prosecco. And the truffle fries. And don't forget to tip the bartender for putting up with you and thank your boyfriend for picking up the tab.

Also I *wish* I owned those heels but I actually do own the polka dot tights..


  1. Haha. I don't think I could ever pull that off but I do appreciate the skill.

    XOXO/Lena @ RootandBlossom

  2. it. Also, be sure you post an outfit selfie on Instagram and hashtag the brand of EVERYTHING that you are wearing.

  3. Lol! This is great...... this is the total opposite of me, but it made me giggle. Love your blog. Following from the blog hop.

  4. I think it is always better to be over dressed than under dressed!

  5. Yes. I want to be both of them, at the same time. Love this

  6. BAHAHA this made my day. Although I love me some St. Germain and truffle fries, so clearly I'm already a pretentious biotch.

  7. eww truffle fries. gag me with truffle why don't you.

  8. Ummm I love St. German and prosecco... and truffle fries... and this post... and you!

  9. I will gladly take the polka dot tights & truffle fries :)

  10. I love St. Germain and I love prosecco, but I never thought to try them together! Sounds amazing!